I Must Be On Drugs (An Akatsuki Story)
by Are-We-Worth-Saving
Summary: Teenage girl and ex-naruto lover Alex finds her way into the world of Naruto, only to be captured by the overly serious and sexy Akatsuki. This is a story for my friends Kylee and Alex who madly love the Akatsuki. Does contain randomness and moderate stupidity, but will get somewhat serious as the story progresses. (NOTE: TEMPORARILY ON HOLD)
1. Madara's Face Better Be Sexy

Alex's droopy eyes snap into focus as the numbers of the alarm clock across the room glare 11:45. "Shittt am I gonna be late," she mumbles with little concern in her voice. The lazy teen stretches before rolling out of bed. Half an hour later she's made up, dressed, and letting the growling of her stomach guide her to the Friendly's where she was supposed to meet her friends at 12. Her blasting Teenage Dream in the car is interrupted by a text from Will: bitch where the fuck are you. But Alex chooses to ignore him since she's only a few minutes away. Less than a minute later she gets a call from her other friend Kylee. Alex sighs as she has to turn down the radio. "Gonna get your heart racing in my skin tight jeans, be your teenage dream tonighhhhhhtt."

"Dudeeee hate that song. And where are you?"

Alex could hear Will exclaim, "EXCUSE ME. THAT SONG IS GLORIOUS!"

She loved how gay he was and the fact he was probably shaking Kylee mercilessly right now. "I'm pulling in right now, get us a table so we don't have to wait." With that, Alex snapped her phone shut and blasted the last of her song as she parked the car.

After getting mauled by Will for being late and ordering a huge appetizer of cheesy fries, Alex and friends sip their kiddie drinks like the mature adults they are.

Kylee: "So guess what I got back into after you went to college."

Alex: *rolls her eyes* "Oh god. I don't know how many years I'm going to have to tell you to keep your fingers out of your nose, but geez woman invest in kleenex already."

Will: *coughs as he chokes on his drink*

Kylee: *laughs* Oh well that, but this is muchhhh worse.

Alex: ...no. Absolutely not.

Kylee: ...yeahhhhh

Will: WHAT?! DONT LEAVE ME OUT OF THE LOOP PEOPLE

Alex: She's into anime again

Will: OH GAWD. Kyleeee, really? REALLY?

Kylee: Shut up man! You guys are gone I have nothing better to do. You know I have no friends besides you and my wall. But he's been mad at me since I finger painted on him so yeahhh. I'm just at an unloved point in my life right now.

Alex: *laughs* Excuses! Though I don't blame the wall for getting upset with you. Finger paint in your mind is probably drool from sucking on your fingers, you little troll child.

Will: *shakes his head* You guys are crazy

As the three leave the restaurant Kylee gasps. Alex raises an eyebrow and turns to her friend. "Omg there's comicbook store over there can we go?!" she begged with huge puppy eyes.

"Alex be strong," Will snapped, pulling her towards her car.

"Pleaaaase it's just one thinggg. I wanna see the new naruto mangaa."

Alex looks over her shoulder, not needing Will's help to get to her car anymore. "You can watch it on youtube next week, save your money."

Kylee thinks frantically for a moment then a small smirk appears on her face. "It has Madaraaaa in ittttt."

Alex flinches for a second as she unlocks her car, but shakes it off after a moment. "So? I saw him a ton in the manga before."

Kylee clasps her hands behind her back with a sly smile. "Yeahh but you didn't get to see...his face."

Alex freezes up and turns to look at Kylee slowly. "Say wha?"

"Yepppp. You get to see his face in this one. And I bet he's saggy and old."

Alex's eyes narrow as she stares Kylee down. "You can't be serious," Will groans. "...yep this is sad."

Alex rolls her eyes and drags Will further into the store towards the naruto section. "Yeah I know, but I loved Madara when I was into naruto. Plus me and Kyles always had this bet about what he'd look like without the mask."

"A wrinkly old fart!" Kylee chirps. "Psh no way, he's going to be a hottieee," the other teen replies.

"YOU GUYS ARE TALKING ABOUT 2D CARTOONCHARACTERS!" Will cries in exasperation.

"OOH OOH I FOUND IT!" Alex snatches up the new manga from an excited Kylee and flips through, searching for Madara.

"HEY WE HAVE TO READ IT!" Kylee exclaims, trying to snag it back.

"You're right," Alex muses then turns to her friend. "We can read the page that has Madara's face." Her eyes glow as she sees the page where Madara's slowly removing his mask, with a small anxious smile she turns the page. Will crosses his arms and rolls his eyes and Kylee practically jumps up and down. She pushs the page down and-

"...dude it's just black," Kylee mutters.

Alex is silent for a minute. "What. The. Hell."

Will grabs the book, annoyed with the stupidity of his friends. "Flip to the next page, derp." However, they were disappointed again. The last page of the manga is just a little mirror. The three groan.

"This is the stupidest thing," alex mutters, tossing the manga to the ground. Though Kylee's just as disappointed, she doesn't want to get in trouble so she goes to put the manga back as Will and Alex walk away.

As she closes the book, it starts to shake in her hands. "Um...guys?"

Will and Alex glance back in disinterest, but their eyes widen as they see black smoke rising from the mirror page.

Will: "Holy-"

Alex: "Fuckkk stick"

Too shocked to move, the three are covered in darkness and slowly fade into oblivion as the screams of the other shoppers fade into silence.

Alex groans, feeling her head throb painfully as she opens her eyes to darkness. Kylee and Will are no where to be seen and her phone has no reception or time. "What the fuck happened?!" she growls, rising to her feet to try and find an exit or better yet a light switch. Using the walls to feel her way around, Alex follows the long rock tunnel hallway wondering what kind of sick kidnapper would chose to live in a creepy place like this. He probably keeps the bodies here where no one would ever look_, _she thinks grimly. If I were a psycho I'd bury people under my pool, so that's probably where I am right now.

Her morbid thoughts are cut short by the sound of voices. And not just any voices, a shit ton of guy ones. "Oh fuck, it's a clan of rapist serial killers and I don't have my rapist beating stick," a sweat drop runs down her face as she realizes her chances of escaping are slim. "This is sooo not how I wanted to go out. Getting stabbed in a public place would be acceptable cause then I'd be in the paper for a week, but no one's going to know what the hell happened to me here. AND I WON'T BE FAMOUS."

She inches towards a small opening where the voices are coming from. Hiding in the shadows, she peaks her head out a little. Her jaw nearly drops to the floor. The room was huge and in the center was a large statue in front of a waterfall, but that wasn't why Alex was nearly shitting her pants. Standing on each finger of the statue was a tall figure in a dark cloak with red clouds.

"...You have got to be fucking shitting me...SOMEONE PUT ACID POWDER IN THAT DAMN COMIC BOOK?!" Alex's little outburst does not go unnoticed by the 10 creepers. They immediately stop talking and turn towards the cave entrance where she is trying and failing miserably to hide.

Pein sees Alex's silloute near the pillars. She gives off a strange chakra, but a weak one. "Show yourself girl, we know you're here." Alex gives all the men a skeptical look as she sighs and walks into the open. "And now my drug induced illusions are talking to me...I bet Kylee is molesting a game rack thinking it's emoasuke right now. Knowing me I'm probably walking into a wall..." Alex doesn't notice a pair of red eyes hone in on her lip movements as she says the word 'asuke' or the weird looks the other akatsuki members are giving her for rambling to herself.

"Well she's certainly an odd one," Kisame muses aloud.

Alex's eyes roll up at him, "you're one to talk, gills."

Kisame isn't surprised she knows of his unique physical features, but is somewhat taken back that a child could not only find the akatsuki base but have the balls to face them alone. "Heh well aren't you a feisty one. It's amusing you know who I am yet aren't afraid to address me in such a fearless manner. Kid's got guts," Kisame sneers.

"Too bad we're going to have to spill them onto the floor," Sasori chimes in tauntingly.

Deidara laughs lightly as Kakuzu bows his head and closes his eyes. "More like disrespect. Kids have no manners," the old man growls.

Alex stares straight ahead of her with a very blank expression. The akatsuki watch in silent amusement, suspecting a build up of chakra from the expression on her face, but are unworried about a possible attack, being projections and all.

"Alright I'm being lectured by old men," Alex closes her eyes and bunches her fists together, "time to wake up." She keeps her eyes shut for a moment expecting to see Will's face above her. But she opens her eyes to darkness and the glowing holograms. "Damnit! Come on wake up." She pinches her arm hard letting out a slight groan. "COME ON WILL SHAKE ME TO LIFE ALREADY."

Hidan raises an eyebrow. "Tch she's fucking nuts."

Alex's eye twitches slightly as she turns slowly towards him. Despite how sexy his voice is she's really not in the mood for commentary from the masochist psychopath. I mean, Illusion! She mentally smacks herself. "She growls "you and your retarded stab-yourself-with-a-pole religion are just as lame as this story." Hidan's eyes narrow and he glares down at Alex.

"How dare you disrespect Jashin-sama you deranged fucking slut!"

Alex stares back blinking a few times then smartly remarks, "what are you gonna do about it, zombie?" ending the insult with an outstretched tongue. "I need to stop arguing with the drugs," Alex mutters as Hidan's eye twitches in annoyance. But Pein cuts the fight short.

"Enough." He turns to Alex with a no-bullshit tone. "You seem to know a lot about us, you must be a very good spy. Very few know of Hidan's abilities and none know the location of the base outside this organization."

"Tell us who you're working for child and we may let you live," Zetsu's white side coaxes.

Alex just laughs.

"Or we can always torture it out of you," his dark side growls in response.

Suddenly Itachi speaks for the first time. "From what I've seen her mumbling to herself she's under the impression we're not truly here, that we're just in her mind. You know of us, but act like we don't actually exist."

Alex can't believe she's about to explain to her illusion that he isn't real and yet. "Well duh. You're all just fictional characters. Ninjas, hand signs, demons, hidden villages, the akatsuki, none of that is actually real, it's just part of Naruto."

"Naruto? Isn't that?" Kisame turns to a silent Itatchi.

"The nine tailed jinchuuriki host," Itachi replies not taking his eyes off of Alex.

"Yeap. But it's also the name of the story because he's the main character. Who'da thunk."

Pein's eyes suddenly bore into her intensely. "What do you mean he's the main character?"

Alex glances at him, "The entire story is based around his life. You guys are the bad guys in the second part of the series and you clash with naruto and his other ninja friends. That's how I know shit about you."

Kisame frowns at this, while Hidan begins laughing. "Can you believe any of this crap? The bitch's definitely lying so we don't kill her." Then his voice gets deep and scary as a sinister smile breaks across his face. "But I'm still gonna sacrifice her to Lord Jashin for her disrespect."

God damnit he has such a fucking sexy voice when he's acting creepy...does that mean something's wrong with me? Alex questions her sanity silently.

"She isn't lying," Itachi practically whispers. "I can see it in her eyes. She fully believes every word of what she's saying."

"Yes." Pein agreed.

"So what do we do with her?" Deidara asks the room.

"She knows too much. We should just kill her now and be done with it," Sasori replies casually.

"Heh," Hidan's eyes narrow in pleasure. "Let me be the one to."

Alex has to forcefully stop herself from shuddering at how turned on she is by Hidan right now. Which means I'm probably wet back at the store...great and I just bought these panties too.

Itachi interrupts her thoughts as if he knows what she's thinking, "You really think this is a dream don't you, but you're not going to wake up. This is real. You're in our world now."

Alex's breath stops for a moment at how serious he sounds and the genuine look of shock on her face is proof enough to everyone that she's completely sincere. At that moment Pein realizes just how helpless this child is. Helpless and valuable.

"Now that you're here, there is no going back. You belong to Akatsuki now."

Alex looks up at him in annoyance and disbelief. She closes her eyes and shakes her head as Hidan growls in disappointment. "No I'm going to wake up. Right now."

Pein's eyes close as well. "Itachi," he orders.

"Yeah nice try, but I'm not going to open my eyes," Alex growls.

"If this is just a dream then what are you afraid of?" Itachi asks, almost taunting her.

"I'm not afraid of anything, especially an illusion." She glares up at him. "You're not rea-" Alex sees swirling red eyes then everything goes black...AGAIN.


	2. Yes please, more blackouts

"Holy fuck I am sick of blacking out" Alex mumbles groggily as she slowly regains consciousness. She sees light around her, but her vision's blurry. She can make out Will's figure standing in front of her with his back turned. Even though everything's blurry and she feels like she could easily faint again, she lifts herself up slowly, "Willllllllllllll" she sighs as she buries her face in his...bare chest? Alex doesn't open her eyes as she makes sure the hard abs she feels aren't actually the tight girly shirt she wished she was hugging.

Hidan looks down at the girl's frustrated expression and laughs harshly as she realizes he isn't the friend she thought he was. "Oi oi Kakuzu look at this. The dumb broad can't even tell I'm not whoever...uh the fuck she said." Alex snaps her eyes open a little too quick at the sound of Hidan's voice and falls from the dizziness. Hidan and Kakuzu watch her fall but neither have any intention of helping her, in fact Hidan being the gentleman he is waits anxiously for her head to crack on the floor. Thankfully as Alex is about to hit the ground Kisame and Itachi walk in and the tall shark man dashes over and swoops her up in his arms. Hidan shakes his head side to side, "ugh way to ruin the fun, fish," he mutters to himself.

Kisame ignores his comment and tucks Alex securely into his chest should the jashinist try anything. "Not very good reflexes this one. Waking up to you two must have been too much of a shock," he snickers as he carries her up the stairs.

Without looking up from his bounty list Kakuzu replies, "well she did hug Hidan, the smell from being that close would make anyone faint."

Hidan's eye twitches in annoyance as he glares at his partner. "Kakuzu! I told you the shower was broken at our last stop! It's not my fault."

"Mine worked just fine."

"Chyea but you had a different room!"

"And who insisted on that? We could have saved money by just getting a double and you wouldn't smell like shit."

"Gah always fucking money with you, greedy bastard," Hidan snorts and follows Kisame and Itachi up the stairs. Itachi walks to the front desk of the hotel and gets a room key from a timid looking old woman who's practically shitting her pants at the sight of their black and red cloud coats.

Hidan watches with his arms folded and sighs, "wouldn't it just be easier to slaughter everyone here? It's been a while since I killed anyone." He's just as annoyed as Kakuzu that they're bribing the inn keeper to stay quiet about their presence until Leader decides what to do with the girl. He silently prays to Jashin the order will be to kill and that he gets the pleasure of doing so.

He looks at her limp body in Kisame's arms and fantasizes about the fear in her eyes as he'd slowly walk up to her huddled as far from him as possible with no hope of escaping. The swelling of tears as he'd mercilessly slice her chest with his stake and seductively lick up the blood. Her begging him to stop and spare her life would be music to his ears as he'd stab his hand, hearing her scream aloud in pain while he sighed in pleasure. She'd watch in horror unable to move as he drew Jashin's symbol on the ground and hung his head in prayer before cursing her like the filthy heathen she was and stabbing himself through the heart. Feeling the intense pain rushing over both of them and the pleasure of knowing her heart would never beat again, unlike his almost made Hidan aroused. Maybe Jahin sama would let him have his way with the girl before killing her.

"Huh?" Snapping out of his day dreaming, Hidan realizes the others have gone to the room without him. "BAKAS!"

Kisame practically cradles the young girl in his arms as he kicks open the door to the room and brings her over to one of the beds. Alex seems so small and fragile to him so he's gentle as he lays her down. Though Kisame was a vicious fighter and had taken innocent lives to achieve the Akatsuki's goals, he could tell this girl wasn't even a ninja and killing such a pathetically defenseless thing didn't suit well with him. Of course if leader commanded it he would do so without hesitation, but otherwise Kisame wouldn't harm her. He was a little surprised at himself, even the malicious look Hidan gave the girl unsettled him a bit. He chuckles at his strange almost protective feeling knowing he just pities her for being so pathetic.

Kisame's rare tender moment does not go unnoticed by Itachi's watchful gaze. He had yet to determine whether the girl could prove useful to him. He hoped leader would allow her to live at least until he figured out just how much she knew. "It's time," he turns to Kisame. "Call them." Kakuzu and Kisame bow their heads, holding a hand sign in front of their closed eyes. On cue, the holograms of Pein, Deidara, and Sasori appear. Hidan heaves himself through the doorway just in time. Sweat from running around the inn looking for them drips down his face as he glares at the other members.

"Thanks for leaving me behind shit heads," he growls.

Kakuzu opens an eye at him, "pay more attention next time."

Pein ignores the two fight and turns his attention to a dazed Alex. "Did you discover how she got into the base?"

Kisame shakes his head, "there was no sign of entrance or a break in. All the seals were in tact."

Pein's eyes narrow "You must have missed something."

"I looked through the entire base with my Sharingan. There was nothing. It's like she dropped out of thin air," Itachi says casually. No one, not even Leader questioned the power of his eyes. However, Itachi's explanation gives Pein the image of an angel falling from the heavens. "If what she said before is true then she must not only know about us, but our enemies and targets as well.

Everyone, save Hidan who wasn't exactly a thinker, realizes what that means.

"She could prove useful," Kakuzu thinks aloud, imagining the bounties Alex could lead him too.

"Or endanger us," Sasori points out. "If she were to fall into the wrong hands or escape, she could warn the shinobi about us and reveal our plans."

Following his danna's lead, Deidara adds, "what if it's a trap. Say we listen to what she says and it leads us to ruin." He looks at Alex suspiciously even though she's completely out of it and having an insanely realistic day dream about Invader Zim. "I don't like it."

Hidan who usually thinks of Deidara as an annoying girly bitch is suddenly almost happy the blonde is a part of their organization. "We should just kill her and be done with it," he wiggles his eye brows devilishly. "And when I say we I mean me."

"HURRY UP AND GIVE HIM THE DAMN TACOS MAN OR WE'RE ALL DOOOMED!" Alex shouts, suddenly sitting up and startling the akatsuki. Alex awakes to 9 pairs of eyes questioning her sanity. "Ohhhhhhhhh...well...this is awkward."

Deidara leans his head to the side, "did one of you drop her?"

Alex realizes that if she's woken up twice to the akatsuki then this shit is definitely real which means four things.

A: Kylee would be so fucking jealous BAHAHAHAHA

B: She didn't have to feel guilty about finding 2D characters sexy cause they're touchable now.

C: She could totalllllllyyyyyy fuck with their minds.

D: She was soooooo gonna grab Kakashi's ass.

Alex puts her hands behind her head with an evil grin, making the akatsuki even more confused. "Watch out Naruto cause I'm coming to pull out your whiskers!" she declares triumphantly. Hidan, Kakuzu, and Deidara sweat drop. The fact she knows of the kyuubi's appearance confirms Pein's thoughts.

"So you know of the Shinobi as well," Pein asks her in his deep sexy manly voice that almost makes her sigh...I mean uh...hello. Alex stops herself from staring at him like a piece of meat.

"Yeahhh you're all in the same story. I actually know more about the shit they do than the exact stuff you guys do." She casually crosses her legs and suddenly finds her nails very interesting. "So I guess I could help you guys out." Before any of the members can object Alex continues, "you're naturally DOOMED to lose cause you're the bad guys, but you have meee. And I know how shit goes down so I can save you all." She then looks at Hidan with a disapproving look. "Wellllll the guys I feel like saving anyway."

Hidan's eyes narrow, "tch I don't need to be saved you stupid bitch. I can't die."

Alex glares right back. "Yeah you're a zombie freak I know, buttttt you could be, oh I don't know. BLOWN INTO A SHIT LOAD OF CHUNKS AND BURIED ALIVE!" Hidan looks at her dumbstruck as Alex composes herself by clearing her throat. *cough bitch *cough.

Before Hidan can retort, Kakuzu butts in. "Even if he got blown up I can stitch him back together."

Alex laughs. "Not if you're dead. Dun dun dun." That shuts Kakuzu up though he's still suspicious. Everyone else looks at leader.

"I still say kill her," Hidan whips out his scythe with an evil grin. Even though she SHOULD be scared out of her retarded mind, Alex can't help but melt at how sexy he sounds and looks when he's being all bad ass. She was a total sucker for the villainesque. "Eh?" Hidan's eyebrow raises at the look Alex is giving him. She isn't afraid of him at all, in fact he sees something in her eyes that sends a weird feeling through his body down to his groin.

Pein cuts the moment short, not realizing what's going on between the two or really caring. "If we're evil why would you want to help us?" his eyes bore into hers.

Alex snorts, "cause you guys are bad ass and wayyy more interesting than the good guys. They're just retarded."

Hidan huffs in pride and rubs the back of his head. "I am quite something aren't I, tch."

Alex and Kakuzu both give him a look. "Yeah a pain in the ass," Alex mutters. Hidan's eye twitches while Kakuzu's eyes light up.

Kisame chuckles to himself, "I like this kid. What's your name girl?"

"I'm Alex. Anddd of course I already know everything about all of you so we can skip the names and fun facts about ourselves."

The Akatsuki members snort, her words are a little unsettling. Pein looks at her calmly though. He wonders if she knows about Madara and how he'll feel about this girl's knowledge.

"Bring her to me," he orders. "We'll see whether you'll serve our purpose then. But for now you are under our keep, which means we won't bring you harm so long as you don't try anything. If you attempt to betray the Akatsuki or escape we will kill you," Pein's voice gets dark and his eyes narrow.

"Sweeeeeeeeet," Alex grins to Pein's surprise. Everyone else is caught off guard as well for most of the members fear Pein on some level. The shocked silence is broken by a low growl. Alex clutches her stomach dramatically. "Now that, that's settled. Feed meh!" Pein and the other holograms disappear and Itachi and Kisame close their eyes as Hidan and Kakuzu fall over in exasperation.


	3. I Know This Crap Is Poison

"What is this green crap you're holding in my face?"

Kakuzu twitches in annoyance. He closes his eyes to steady his temper. "Food. Now shut up and eat it."

"Ohh noooo really? I never would have guessed that," Alex rolls her eyes sarcastically. She eyes the plate of...whatever the hell it is, in a distrustful manner. "This looks wayyy too healthy and I only eat things that I know will kill me in the long run."

At this point Kakuzu is more than fed up with the girl's childish attitude. Faster than she can blink, coils of thread shoot from his arms. Some grab her by the nose, pulling her head back and others yank down on her jaw. Alex's eyes widen as Kakuzu begins shoveling the plate into her open mouth. She gags loudly, trying to push Kakuzu away and gasp rape.

The sound of her suffering awakens Hidan who begins laughing hysterically at the sight. "Is that how you take cock too? Bahaha." Despite being on the brink of suffocation Alex still can't resist imitating his retarded psychotic laugh. His eyes narrow, "you little bitch, I hope you choke to death."

"She's looking at your face isn't she?" Kakuzu asks not as nonchalantly as usual, unable to keep the amusement he's getting out of making the girl suffer from his voice.

Hidan growls, "I'm not the one who has to hide his ugly ass face. Even if we weren't S ranked criminals you'd still need to wear that turban shit so people wouldn't run away from us screaming." The plate of remaining food is thrown at Hidan's head, who barely manages to duck in time as it zooms over him and heads straight for the doorway where Kisame is now standing. Alex flinches as the sound of the plate shattering echoes through the room, however she's pleased to see Kisame raised his sword just in time to block it and the hard stare he's now giving an anxious Kakuzu. The man immediately releases her from his hold and she struggles to regain her breath.

"Bustedddd. Pay back's a bitch, ain't it?" she whispers so only Kakuzu can hear. He'd love nothing more than to hit her square in the face with his solid rock fist, but Kisame was already annoyed as it was and the girl's nose being smashed into her brain wouldn't help his case.

"She wouldn't eat," he explains casually.

Alex snorts, "I didn't say I wouldn't eat, I said I didn't want to eat THAT." As the words slip from her mouth her face turns green and she clutches her stomach. "What the hell was that shit anyway?"

"Seaweed," Kakuzu replies. Alex's eye twitches slightly as she stares blankly at the wall across from her. The men in the room watch curiously as she silently leans over the bed and begins trying to heave. Pop eye would be so proud. Hidan sneers, "tch don't be such a fucking baby. There's no point in puking it up because we're not feeding you again." Alex is tempted to run over to him and shove a finger down her throat, but she figures that would be a little muchh. Besides his abs should be covered in something sexy, not barf. Hershey's syrup immediately comes to mind. The rumbling in her stomach subsides, replaced with a tingling sensation as she lets her eyes dart to the spot where Hidan's abs meet his pants. Thankfully the motion goes unnoticed by everyone including the jashinist seeing as they're all anticipating her to throw her lungs up.

"I want cookies!" she announces, making Kakuzu and Hidan's eyes narrow.

Kisame just grins at her before eyeing the other two.

"Well you heard her." Alex's eyes become evil slits as she realizes long before Hidan and Kakuzu what that means. It takes a moment for the order to register, but when it does, Alex can clearly see the light bulb go on in Hidan's head.

"No fucking way," his lip twitches in indignation and rage. "I'm not fetching cookies for this brat like a god damn slave, go to hell!" A smirk remains on Kisame's face as he looks from Hidan to Kakuzu who has remained eerily silent this whole time while his clenched fists do all the talking.

"Leader gave his word we wouldn't hurt her and told Itachi to keep her happy. Looks like you two already fucked both of those up. So the way I see it you owe the girl." Though Kisame's voice remains at ease Alex can sense the underlying forcefulness and pleasure in his tone. She'd forgotten Kisame's contempt for the zombie twins and her agitating them amused the hell out of him. No wonder he was being so accommodating.

"Because I know you're just dying to please, I like the sugar kind!" Alex smiles with fake innocence and sprawls out on the bed lazily. Kakuzu mentally calculates the amount of time it would take him to snap her neck before Kisame could reach him.

"Fuck you," Hidan growls. "We need to find our Jinchuuriki, not babysit some brat."

Kakuzu nods in agreement, "I have bounties to turn in as well."

"Tch," Hidan snorts.

"Not till I get mah cookies, fool!" Alex points to the door dramatically, not bothering to open her eyes.

"I'm going to take my sweet time sacrificing you," Hidan whispers menacingly. "I've got ideas for whole new levels of torture and pain to put you through. Just wait until Leader's done with you, then you'll be all mine," he smiles cruelly, licking his lips at the thought.

His words hit Alex like a brick and she's silent as they sink in. She didn't want to die, she'd just gotten here and there was so much she wanted to see and a ton of people she was looking forward to harassing. To avoid Hidan's lovely proposal she'd have to stay useful to the Akatsuki or run off to the leaf, somehow. But that would be extremely difficult due to her lack of ninjaness and their super human abilities. She'd wait for an opening and then see, but Alex knew she couldn't let them take her to Pein. If he met her in person he could just read her mind for all the info he wanted then dispose of her. So she had to get kidnapped. Hopefully by Kakashi, then she could pull his mask down and molest him!

Kisame shoots Hidan a warning look, noticing Alex's sudden silence and mistaking her plotting for fear. "If you assist us you shall have nothing to fear except the occasional misfortune of being in their company," he nods at the two immortals. "Who, speaking of which," the shark man slowly grins again, "should be out finding some cookies."

"That blue fucking bastard!" Hidan swears loudly as he and Kakuzu roam the local market being so far unsuccessful in finding any cookies. Kakuzu sighs quietly, eager to get this stupid task over with so he can continue capturing bounties. And with money being his key objective in life, he preferred not to waste it on such trivial things as junk food so Kakuzu would have been more than happy to let Hidan slaughter everyone when they were done. Cause why buy what you can forcefully take? However, Itachi was unimpressed with the idea of attracting so much attention and wanted their presence in this nation to remain largely unnoticed. So unnecessary killing was a no go. No wonder Hidan was in such a good mood.

The irritated Jashinist shoulders into passerby, carelessly knocking them out of the way and cursing them for their stupidity as they fall. Being ordered around by a young girl was a wound to his dignity and would greatly displease Jashin. He'd have to make quite the sacrifice to his lord to redeem himself. And nothing would satisfy either of them more than her very own blood. Pein's protection of the girl posed a serious problem which frustrated Hidan to no end, all he could do was pray she'd quickly outlive her usefulness and be delivered into his eager hands.

Unbeknownst to both ninja, Alex follows them through the market attempting to be stealthy like a ninja, earning her many odd looks from citizens. She hums mission impossible under her breath as she darts behind a food stall that Hidan and Kakuzu enter. She hears Hidan rudely ask where they can find cookies as she does a summersault past the flap entrance, jumping to her feet in a fighting stance. Her eyes dart from side to side as she slowly reaches her hand behind her dramatically. In one swift movement, she grabs the back of her pants and hoists them up, "DUN DUN!" The few pairs of anticipating eyes that had been watching her, close in disbelief as their owners fall over. The idea of cookies has made Alex extremely hyper so she almost laughs herself when she hears a familiar chuckle.

"Look here Naruto. This girl is almost as stealthy as you," the voice laughs. Alex turns to see Jiraiya looking at her with a large grin. Of course he'd be watching a young girl from behind.

An unimpressed Naruto bends over in exasperation, looking at Alex with slitted eyes, obviously offended by his sensei's remark. "Gah pervy sage I'm a master of sneakiness, believe it!" he strikes a dramatic pose similar to the one Alex had just done. But that isn't what catches her attention.

"Hm?" Naruto blinks at the girl before him who's uncomfortably focused on his nose. He consciously rubs it wondering if there are any flecks of food on it, or worse snot. He absentmindedly takes in a breath and snorts loudly, sucking in all the mucus in his nose in a small gust of wind. Jiraiya's jaw drops at the power behind the monstrous snort and Naruto's clueless behavior around women. Though Alex is impressed by the beastliness of his snort, she is completely focused on her mission.

Naruto's eyes widen in surprise as the girl lunges forward and grabs one of his whiskers.

"Hey! HEY!" he yowls as she begins tugging on it. Pervy sage sweat drops at the sight, unsure what to do.

Before Naruto can push her away Alex steps back and laughs. "If I had pulled one out would it have grown back?"

Naruto's eyes roll into the back of his head and a small vein forms on his forehead. "...Is...that what you were trying to do?" he says the words slowly as the vein begins throbbing.

She can't help but laugh. "Yessss."

"Baka!" Naruto screeches in her face, making Alex laugh even harder.

"Relax Fluffy, I didn't even pull that hard."

His anger momentarily forgotten, Naruto's pupils become little dots and he looks at her nonplused. "...Fluffy?"

Alex chuckles, loving his dramatic reactions. "Yeppp. You're a fox so you're fluffy. Where's your bushy tail?" she teases. Looking around him towards his rear. Naruto blushes and fumes at the same time. Jiraiya completely falls over.

"I'm Naturo. Believe it!" Naruto declares proudly, "not a fox." He crosses his arms with a pouting face, "and I don't have a tail...right now" he mumbles the last part out of the corner of his mouth, looking down to the side to glower at the ground.

Alex smiles, "you're adorkable when your eyes get all squinty," she coos, pinching the cheek turned towards her tauntingly.

"GAH!" he shouts in dismay at being treated like a child. "ADORKABLE?! WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN ANYWAY?!"

Though Naruto is too distracted with her insults to think about what she's saying, her knowledge of him being the nine tails does not go unnoticed by Jiraiya. "Are you a shinobi?" he questions. Now that he thinks about it, she's not even dressed like a ninja. She has no head band on or weapons as far as he can see and her clothes are strange. They cling to her figure, possessing no flexibility for movement or agility.

Knowing he's examining her closely now, Alex shakes her head honestly, "Nah. I'm just a-" the phrase: small town girl living in a lonely world comes to mind, but if she breaks out singing that the cultural reference would be totally lost on these two. Plus they probably already think she's insane. "A kid."

Much to her relief, Hidan and Kakuzu choose that moment to come out of the stall she'd passed before. Thankfully the two decided not to wear their usual Akatsuki attire and disguised their chakras so no one's suspicious. Even Jiraiya doesn't notice them. Alex's eyes lock on the bag in Kakuzu's hand and the pastry in Hidan's as they walk in the opposite direction towards the inn. Now having a reason to avoid Jiraiya's questioning, Alex looks at the two ninja and grins. "Gotta go!" With that she turns on her heel and begins to chase her cookies.

"Catchya later fluffy," she calls over her shoulder.

She smiles as she sees Naruto huff, "Wait! What's your name?" Alex just laughs, though her smile falters a little as she sees the frown on Jiraiya's face and the thoughtfulness in his gaze. She hopes he's not too suspicious as she catches up to Kakuzu who looks at her through narrowed eyes.

"What are you doing out here?" Hidan also turns to look at her as well. His facial expression is blank, but she can see the joy in his eyes as he munches absentmindedly on his little cake.

"I told Kisame I wanted to make sure you guys got the right kind," she replies as innocently as possible, which isn't hard to do because all she can think about is the cookies in the bag she's staring hungrily at. However, Kakuzu doesn't let the fact she came running from a direction that wasn't the inn slip his mind. As he hands her the bag, which she snatches up like a rabid squirrel, he gazes over her head scanning the crowd. But Jiraiya and Naruto are already gone.

Alex's face is pure joy as she sees all the cookies and quickly stuffs one in her mouth. Hidan watches her ravishing out of the corner of his eye as he chews his food.

"Fucking pig," he grumbles between bites.

"Says the man talking with his mouth open," she retorts as cookie crumbs fall out of her own mouth.

Kakuzu shakes his head, "both of you are indecent," his attention now returned to them and the food sputtering out of their mouths as they argue. The trio head back to the inn unaware of the pair of bright red eyes watching them.


	4. Please touch me

"We're leaving," Itachi orders emotionlessly as he hurls an uncooperative Hidan to the ground.

"BAKA!" The Jashonist screams are muffled by the floor.

Itachi removes his foot from the back of Hidan's head, ignoring the enraged and sacrificeless priest as he sweeps out of the room. "You have 20 minutes," he mutters. The door slams shut behind the Sharingan master.

"If I don't make an offering Jashin will be displeased." His hungry eyes lock on an innocent looking Alex, blissfully stuffing her face with the last of her cookies.

A murderous sense of blood lust causes the teen to lift her crumb covered face from the bag it'd been buried in. She eyes him suspiciously, instinctively clutching the goodies to her chest. "Don't even think about it silver back," she grumbles protectively. "Mine!"

Hidan's eye twitches at her ignorant stupidity. "Dumb bitch. I want to torture you and use your blood and suffering to appease my lord," he snarls with an insane smile on his face.

Alex looks at him with a scrutinizing expression, but on the inside she's laughing. It hadn't taken her long to notice that the grey haired psycho path got pissed when he wasn't taken seriously. So she refused to have an even remotely logical conversation with him. Not only did it keep the other Akatsuki members from getting suspicious and keeping a close eye on her, it also had the hilarious side effect of causing Hidan to flip the fuck out.

"Suuuuure. A likely excuse." She retorts to further his insanity. "That's just what you WANT me to think." You're just the typical schizophrenic pyschopath only interested in blood sacrifices to your imaginary demon voices. Then I let my guard down and BAM! You run off with my cookies. Well this chica is no retard my good sir! Mine!"

Hidan's eye twitches uncontrollably now. He's literally dumbfounded into silence by the pure stupidity of the girl before him. "You...are the most abso..fucking..lutely retarded...cunt of a slut...I have ever had...the misforunte of-"

"Mine!"

"Shut-"

"MINE!"

"THE FUCK UP!"

"..."

"..."

"Muhhhhhinneee..."

"...You're fucking dead bitch!" Hidan eyes aflame, scythe raised, flies at the now wide-eyed smart ass. A menacing laugh escapes his lips, "DIEEEEE!" His scythe slashes through the air straight for Alex's face. "Nani?!" he growls. The tip of his scythe rests on Alex's cheek as Hidan struggles to glare over his shoulder at Kakazu. Much to Alex's pleasure, his huge muscles flex and sweat as they fight to break free of the tentacles covering his body and weapon.

No longer in danger from the masochist, she grins up at the sexily profusing man. Her small pink tongue wags at him before she runs into the bathroom locking the door behind her. Once safe she falls to floor covering her mouth as her entire body convulses hysterically. The look on Hidan's face when he'd realized his scythe hadn't even sliced her cheek was priceless! The fits of silent laughter only get worse as she hears the sound of furniture being thrown across the room accompanied by screaming. The gasping girl gleefully wipes away tears as a sudden silence replaces the fighting, which can only mean Itachi just walked into the room and is giving the zombie twins his famous make-you-crap-your-pants glare.

"UMPH!" Alex is thrown to the floor as the door she'd been leaning against swings open to reveal an unimpressed Uchiha. She realizes how compromising her current belly down, ass up pose must look from behind. 'Please molest me, please molest me, MY FUCKING THONG IS HANGING OUT OF MY PANTS AT LEAST HAVE THE CURTEOSY TO SNAP IT!' But Itachi doesn't so much as cough. Alex scowls disappointedly as she faces him, acting as though she's mad he barged in.

"Do you mind? I know manners may not be your strong suit, but at least knock when a lady is in the bathroom! What if I'd been changing a tampon? Dancing around in my underwear? Or checking my boobies for lumps?! By owning a vagina I am inclined to do such things." Despite her valiant efforts, Itachi seems neither grossed out, weirded out, or bashful. His face remains as expressionless as stone.

'God damnit! Someday I will get a reaction out of him even if it's just an eye twitch!' With her previous let down forgotton, Alex's eyes burn with fiery resolve as she contemplates the major levels of creepiness she'll have to attain for the trial ahead.

"Enough of the games child." Her strategizing is cut short by Itachi's sudden seriousness.

"Eh?" Dumb as a sloth with down syndrome. "What do you mean?"

But Itachi isn't fooled by her act. He closes his eyes to reveal his Sharingan. Alex immediately covers her face with her arms. Despite all of Hidan's efforts to kill her this was the first time she genuinely felt afraid.

Knowing she's understood he's not in the mood for bullshit, Itachi returns his eyes to their normal shade of black. "I can see you're not as dumb as you act and that you know more than you let on."

Alex sighs. Her fun now ruined. "I should have known you'd be too serious. No wonder I never liked you," she mumbles the last part under her breath.

Itachi ignores the comment and steps closer to her. "What do you know about me?"

Alex contemplates lying because she realllyyyy didn't want to die without at least rubbing Kakashi's ass. The swirls of red starting to form in the Uchiha's eyes quickly change her mind.

"Everything," she breathes. He would have found out if he'd used his eyes anyway. "But hey, I swear I won't tell. Especially emoaus- I mean uh...Sasuke." A sweat drop forms on her head as she remembers Itachi actually cares about his brother.

Itachi doesn't react to Alex's comment. He just stares her down.

"Uhh...oh! And if you killed me Pein would be pretty butthurt." The oh-so-crafty girl grins, mentally praising herself for being so smartical. She swears she sees his eyebrow raise a little at her unique choice of vocabulary. "Bahahaha I'm a genius," she laughs triumphantly. "And people say being retarded doesn't get you anywhere except a good parking spot."

Itachi looks away wondering if he had given the girl a little too much intellectual credit after all. "You know as soon as Pein extracts information from you he'll know my secret as well. Why shouldn't I just make your death look like an accident?"

Alex snorts. "Psh. So what if what Pein knows? Your real leader already knows what you're up to and what you've done." She really tries to stay confident and sway him. There's just way too many people here she wants to tongue rape before she dies or gets sent home.

Itachi hurtles towards her with a kunai raised. Alex strikes a random ninja pose and prays her minute made hand signs will somehow magically defend her from one of the most feared ninjas of the Akatsuki. The kunai slams down onto the palm of her hand, the force of the blow almost drags Alex to her knees, but Itachi's hand on her chest keeps her from falling. He breathes in her ear and Alex's heart feels like it's going to beat right out of her body. She could feel a squeal coming on.

Itachi's lips practically brush against her skin as he whispers, "you might have a purpose for me, but that can't be fulfilled if Pein gets his hands on you before you unleash your power. I will help you escape from the Akatsuki, but in return you will be my spy until I come for you." His eyes bore into Alex's. "Do we have an understanding."

Due to the shock of her panties being so wet Alex can barely give the hot ass Uchiha holding her a nod.

He closes his eyes in satisfaction. "Good. Now get ready to leave."

In a flash Itachi has released Alex and disappeared from the room. Her heart takes much longer to recover as her horny mind tries to process what just happened. But all she can think is: Itachi Uchiha was just touching my boobs!


	5. A Rapist Laugh Is Never a Good Sign

_So for this chapter it actually gets semi-serious DUN DUN DUN_

"This isn't going to work,"Alex mutters under her breath.

Itachi says nothing, but the seething look he shoots her says enough.

The teenager sighs in angst. "I mean I know they're stupid, but they aren't completely brain dead."

Itachi sweeps through the crowded street with the young girl at his heels. "Never underestimate the power of stupid people in pairs."

"This is true," Alex recalls many a countless nights of her and Kylee on levels of sugar that should be illegal to ingest.

"As long as you stick to the plan you will be able to escape. However, just because you'll be out of reach of the Akatsuki does not mean you'll be off the radar. Having you fall into his hands only to escape will make Pein furious, relentless even."

"It's not even him I'm really worried about," she grumbles. Sure, the walking piercing display is powerful, but the mental image of an orange masked man is what really comes to mind. Alex may be a drooling fan girl, but she isn't a mentally retarded one. The last 72 hours of the undead duo's presence had been more than enough for her to realize just how dangerous these shinobi can be. And by escaping, Kisame and Itachi would no longer be able to protect her from fellow members.

Itachi's eyebrow raises ever so slightly at her comment. If this girl knew about _that_ man then exactly how much did she know? Perhaps with her knowledge she may be capable of bringing about changes the shinobi world desperately needs.

"Holy Doughsbury puff man...THIS PLACE HAS WAFFLES!?" Alex practically catapults herself at the poor, bewildered woman frying the familiar treat.

Itachi watches the girl sit and begin shoveling food down her mouth as other customers warily inch away, seeing the deranged look of a starved badger in her eyes. His blank eyes reveal nothing as he utters one word, "...impossible."

**~Somewhere extremely dark and creepy~**

A pair of glinting yellow eyes lie in wait, shrouded by darkness. The stillness of the cave is interrupted for a brief second as space-time itself opens to reveal the silhouette of a man before vanishing.

"I hear you have some interesting news for me, my friend," a deep voice of velvet malice chuckles.

A huge venus flytrap protrudes from the wall until Zetsu's entire head is visible. His black half grins at the dark man before him, "indeed we do. And we think it will add an interesting twist to your plans...Madara."

The plant man telepathically reveals a recording of Alex and her arrival in the Naruto world up until her encounter with the nine-tails host. As the mental image of Naruto's face fades away, his master is silent for a while.

"Well?" The dark half of Zetsu growls. "I think you should make her tell you everything she knows and then destroy her so she cannot be used against us."

White Zetsu cringes at his counterpart's suggestion. "She is a helpless little girl, you know as well as I that she has no chakra. Killing nin is one thing, but this girl isn't even part of our world. She doesn't belong here and I'm sure she just wants to go home."

The black half snickers, "baka! Did you see how she swooned over the fact she's here? She has no intention of or interest in leaving this place."

"Still, killing her wouldn't be right and may cause consequences. Who knows how her world is connected to ours," the kind side gently argues.

"I suppose killing her could start some sort of butterfly affect," the other grimaces.

Finally the other man speaks after contemplating his most loyal member's thoughts. "Her world is definitely connected to ours somehow. It's impossible for such detail of our existence to simply be made up or dreamed by someone."

Zetsu nods in agreement.

Madara's eyes flash cunningly. Perhaps this girl could prove more useful than just the information she had. He had seen the lustful look on her face when she'd realized the Akatsuki were no longer her fantasy, the woman desired them. A ruthless smirk plays on his lips as he imagines toying with her emotions to bend her will to _his_ own.

"I will not kill her until she has outlived...her purpose." His voice holds a cruel mirth that could make even the bravest of men flinch.

With both sides satisfied by that answer, Zetsu retracts back into the wall until his body completely disappears. Madara's crimson eyes trace the movement, but his gaze is distant as he contemplates this new piece in his little game. To make this girl a true asset to the Akatsuki, he would have to determine which member she is most infatuated with and have him manipulate her with feigned desire. Believing the man of her dreams loves her would justify Alex's actions in helping the criminal organization and betraying the self-righteous hidden villages.

The cold Uchiha had always scorned women for their affection and tender hearts, weak attributes that only hindered men and stood in the way of females becoming true ninjas; ruthless killers. That is why Madara had never, in all his years, chosen a mate. He saw women as inferior beings typically only good for child bearing, something he had no interest in. After all, he had insured the destruction of his own clan. Why would he allow the line to continue and avenge their ancestry?

Amused by his own cruelty, Madara chuckles sinisterly. The creepy sound echoes off the gloomy walls and reverberates through the cave. If anyone were to have walked by and heard such a thing, they would have probably assumed they were about to be raped and would thus firmly clamp both hands over their ass and run like an imaginary friend out of a mental ward.

**~Back to Alex~**

"Okay, okay. No need to panic this is going to be fine just go with the plan," a nervous Alex mutters to herself as she makes her way towards the village center alone. Itachi had left her to fulfill his role in the plan by alerting local ANBU in disguise. Alex couldn't help but question whether that was really the smartest idea as Hidan and Kakuzu were more insane than a bus of old ladies with dementia and stronger than an entire army. She doubts ANBU ninjas will even give them enough time to escape, but she has no choice at this point as she is not going to get mind raped and offed by Pein.

_Just think Walmart charades crazy_. Alex throws her hands up into the air and starts screaming shrilly as she runs like a mad woman. The crowd of people passing by are immediately alarmed by her sudden outburst and look around frantically for the cause of the cute young woman's distress. _I could have been an actress, this shit is better than anything that bimbo Megan Fox can do. _ As she reaches a wooden platform in the middle of a crowded plaza, which has pretty much all but stopped to watch her hysterics, she looks around in fear at her imaginary attackers and at the top of her lungs shrieks, "AKATSUKI IS HERE!" before limply dropping to the ground.

Then all hell breaks loose.

**~With Kylee~**

"Aghhhhhhh my face, my beautiful face! God it hurts, it better not be bruised. I should sue these people for attacking me with a comic book and locking me in...a dark basement? ...oh no...I'm going to get raped aren't I." Kylee looks up from her face planted into the floor position at the dark stone walls surrounding her. The last thing she remembers was a mean little man throwing a comic book in her fac- "WAIT THAT LITTLE GAY MAN WAS WILL, AND THAT BOOK WAS A NARUTO MANGA, AND HE DIDN'T THROW IT IN MY FACE I WAS SUCKED INTO A SPINNING BLACK VORTEX OF DOOM, DOOM I SAY!"

Kylee's mental ramblings echo loudly and she immediately regrets not using her watching-hot-buff-jockeys-from-inside-a-locker-ind oor-voice. At the sound of her voice light footsteps begin walking in the direction of the door in front of her.

"Holy snapple it's my rapist. I'm not ready to give up my glorious vagina yet!" Her eyes dart around the room quickly and spot a bed in the corner. With all her strength, Kylee heaves herself underneath it only seconds before the door opens. The eccentric and now safe girl, silently applauds herself for all those times she drunkenly did the worm on Alex's bedroom floor, thus enabling her to muster the strength in order to accomplish such a feat in her time of need. However, her triumph is short lived when the pair of legs she saw appear at the open door's entrance, are suddenly an inch from her hidden face._ Wait wha?_ But before she can even contemplate how this person magically teleported 8 feet, she is dragged up and comes face to face with a pair of emotionless red eyes.

"...Oh snap son..."

**~With...Will?~**

"WHERE AM I? WHO AM I?" ...But the lost and confused gay boy receives no answer. He looks around bewildered, unsure of everything and unable to remember anything. He uses all his mental focus to concentrate on something, anything he could think of that would give him some clue as to who he is or how he got here.

"...I...LIKE PUDDING?!"

**~Alex one more time~**

All she can hear is screaming and mass hysteria, but Alex lays face first on the ground grinning like an idiot as a lion king sized stampede tries to frantically escape the village plaza. It isn't until someone practically trips on her gorgeous mane of hair that she finally decides to act. Not wanting to be seen by Kakuzu, Hidan, or any suspicious ANBU ninjas, she gets into golem mode and crouch runs past villagers. She is genuinely surprised people aren't staring at her like she's mentally challenged and some are actually starting to mimic her, not wanting to become casualties of kunai or other weapons the ninja would attack each other with.

She slinks over to the exit Itachi had pointed out before, a loose piece of plank in the gate that surrounds the village. A few rooftops away, a weary Kakuzu hones in on her movements.

"There," he nods, while Hidan looks on with a furious scowl.

"That fucking little bitch is always causing us problems. I will sacrifice her so painfully and slowly that even Jashin-sama will cringe," he spat as he unleashes his scythe to halt her progress.

"She is a fool to think a mere distraction would be enough to escape us. Yet she seems to have dodged Itachi..." _Even though that's not possible, _he mentally reminds himself. He would report this to Leader later, something was up here. His suspicions are confirmed by a kunai whizzing past where his face had been only a second before.

"What the fuck?!" Hidan turns his weapon away from Alex to block the thrown sword of an attacking ANBU.

Kakuzu's hard eyes count the 20 masked ninja surrounding himself and his partner. The squad leader steps forward. "Akatsuki: S-ranked criminals. Wanted in all hidden villages. Proceed with extreme caution as their powers are unknown and they are extremely dangerous. Use whatever force necessary to capture or kill."

Hidan closes his eyes in irritation. "We don't have fucking time for this!" his raised arm lashes out, causing his scythe to attack the ninja in front of him. They dodge the slow movement easily, but are on their guard.

Kakuzu is even more enraged, knowing Leader will be furious if the girl escapes, but knows they are unable to pursue her with this many ninja in their way. "Hidan you idiot, just kill them quickly so we can finish our mission. Don't you _dare_ do that stupid ritual and take forever."

Hidan's eyebrow twitches at this and he screams as he whirls his scythe again, "BAKA! JASHIN WILL SMITE YOUR INSOLENT ASS!''

"Tee hee, I'm freeee!" Alex snickers as she bolts from the village, leaving it further and further behind as she is swallowed by trees. A figure appears before her, halting the momentarily happy teen in her tracks. His outfit is standard ANBU attire: black, black, animal mask, more black, sword.

"Fuuuuuck me in the ass why don't you," she growls more to herself than the figure. Which apparently he doesn't seem to catch as he immediately steps forward.

"I WAS BEING FIGURATIVE LEAVE MY VIRGIN ASS ALONE!"

A hand slams firmly over her mouth and a familiar voice hisses in her ear. "Hush, it's me. This is merely a jutsu foolish little girl." As the words are spoken, the ANBU get up momentarily fades enough for Alex to see Itachi's sharingan through a now transparent mask. Before she can even apologize, the Uchiha has thrown her securely onto his back and is darting from tree to tree faster than she can blink.

The feeling is exhilarating and Alex can't help but smile down at her friend's shiny haired head. "Konoha?"

Itachi is silent for a moment before answering quietly, "Konoha."


	6. That ungodly forehead

"She **what**?" On the surface Pein's voice is indifferent, monotone, but the Akatsuki know better. The waves of underlying malice and fury smash upon their ears like a fierce, unforgiving storm.

Wise Kakuzu remains silent, mentally cursing his luck for being burdened with the task of watching the troublesome girl in the first place and having the incompetent jashinist as a partner.

Hidan on the other hand, is not so clever. "It's not our fucking fault ANBU ambushed us! The god damn Uchiha and fish face should have been watching the little cunt."

Pein's icy stare makes the silver haired man almost regret opening his mouth.

"They had their own orders. Do **not** blame your incompetence on others. If you cannot handle the task of babysitting a young girl and defeating a handful of ninja then perhaps you are unworthy of being in this _elite_ organization." Pein continues before an indignant Hidan can interject. "As punishment your team will now be responsible for the capture of two jinchuuriki with no grace period in between."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me!" Hidan screams in rage. Even Kakuzu's balled fists quiver in fury.

"Unless you want your punishment intensified, I suggest you get out of my sight and on with your new mission **now**."

Both men bite their lips knowing those words are indisputable. Their holograms disappear from the cave without a sound save a displeased grunt from Hidan.

Pein rubs his temples wearily as he retreats from the meeting room in his 'God' tower. Something about Kakuzu and Hidan's story had unsettled him.

It was highly suspect that ANBU had showed up just in time to aid in the girl's escape and that the Akatsuki accountant seemed to be mulling over an aspect of the story he was conveniently keeping to himself. The Rain's Lord looks up at the gruesome sky that thunders and howls, reflecting his frustrated mood.

"I take it you have disappointed me." The swirled orange mask hides Madara's facial expression, but his Sharingan flashes menacingly as he steps from the shadows behind his puppet leader. Pein hadn't sensed the Uchiha's presence, but was not surprised as he was accustomed to the stealth of the time warp jutsu. He had known Madara would be displeased with the Akatsuki's failure so he did his best to appease the secret mastermind.

"Unfortunately, it seems we have a case of insubordination. I have my suspicions as to who, but I will personally confirm and crush the resistance," Pein's emotionless tone didn't reveal his slight anxiety of possible wrath from Madara.

The sharingan eye closes for a moment in thought. One name came to mind of who would help such a game altering tool escape his clutches, Itachi Uchiha. Madara knew the younger Uchiha feared Sasuke becoming corrupt from his own dark influence. As Itachi rightly should, for the cruel Akatsuki leader planned to use Sasuke as a weapon against Konoha in time. And if there's one thing Itachi loved as much as Sasuke, it was Konoha. That was no doubt where Itachi would try to hide the girl away and maybe even give the village an upper hand with her knowledge of the Akastuki. But that certainly wouldn't do, he was not about to allow the weasel to ruin his plans of world domination. Still, eliminating Itachi would only cause distrust and unbalanced power among the teams of his organization

"I will deal with the insubordination personally once the girl has been retrieved."

Pein breathes a small inward sigh of relief at the calm and determined tone of Madara's dark voice. "Then what shall you have me do?"

"Order Deidara and _Tobi_ to Konoha without informing the others. Remind the bomb happy fool that it will be an undercover search and retrieve operation so he is to be in disguise at all times and will **not** under any circumstances do anything that will draw attention to us."

Madara strides past Pein onto the ledge of the skyscraper to overlook the tear drenched village below. "I must have this girl, that is why I am going myself. There will be no slip ups Pein...make sure Deidara is aware of this." The words held an underlying threat for the Lord of the Rain: you will be held accountable for incompetence or failure. Without so much as a backwards glance, the Uchiha was gone, leaving Pein to his frustrated musings.

**-With Alex-**

"Soooo what did you mean about unleashing my potential? DO I HAVE SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME NINJA POWERS?!" Alex whisper shrieks into Itachi's ear. That was a sign of her sleep deprivation and hunger setting in. She was still dazed from Itachi running at inhuman speeds for days on end. Worst of all she hadn't been able to shower the entire time so she smelled like she'd been dragged through onion juice and looks like a deranged hobo.

For all Alex knew, the guards of Konoha would take one whiff of her and send her on her way. "So how are we going to convince them to let in someone that looks like the love child of a dumpster and a crack whore?"

It takes all of Itachi's will power to keep from once again rolling his eyes. "The ninja of Konoha are compassionate, besides you look utterly pathetic. It would be _beyond_ cruel of them to not at least let you in and bathe." He finishes his sentence with a hint of scorn.

Alex shoots him a look of disdain, "huurrrr huuurrrrr. Who knew you were capable of growing a sense of humor?" she retorts. "So what's my story here? Rogue ninja attacked my village, I've been wandering around and don't know jack squat except my name and a sexy ass man when I see one?"

Itachi snorts, trying and failing to repress the ghost of a smile that lights his gloomy features. "Yes, something to that affect. Play out the pathetic victim as much as possible, but show an interest in the way of the ninja and training. You need to learn how to protect yourself, you have **not** seen the last of the Akatsuki."

Alex is secretly somewhat happy with that thought as they are all wayyy to damn sexy to never be seen again. She also silently wonders if she's seen the last of her friends or if they were here too as frantic and hyperventilating as they would be in this situation. Once Alex was capable of holding her own in this world she vows to search for them. With her new found determination she nods coolly to Itachi, "Alright, let's do this shite."

Itachi is surprised by the young girl's sudden resolve. In that moment in her eyes he sees a fire that burns like he'd never seen in anyone besides Naruto. It was that inner strength that Itachi believed would one day lead the ninja world into an era of righteousness and peace. In that one moment, he knew he'd done the right thing by bringing Alex to Konoha.

"Go to the gate, stumble, look confused. As you always do," he ads with a smirk. "Once you are inside you will be safe for the moment. But, always be on your guard. As long as **he** is still alive you will never truly be safe-"

_Alex would soon learn Itachi was more right than he'd ever know._

"-He will be sending someone after you soon so become as strong as you can. I will check on you when I can, but I feel I may have already caused some suspicion."

Alex grins at her Uchiha friend...her first real friend in the Naruto world. She feels herself starting to tear up dramatically much to Itachi's silent horror. Do not cry! I swear if you cry you are nothing- you are- damnit I will stab you with a pencil if you cry, she mentally scolds herself.

"Big girl now, big girl now," Alex mutters under her breath as she begins to walk away causing a sweat drop to form on the Uchiha's brow. But then the fan girl kicks in. "GAHHHH thank you!" giving into her urges, she glomps the bewildered and even slightly frightened man, planting a sloppy drool filled kiss on his cheek before shamefully bolting towards Konoha.

Itachi watches her run as he wipes the slobber away with his sleeve. "Oh Kami what have I done?"

Alex sighs in contentment, she could get used to being pampered. It didn't even bother her that she was naked and being given a sponge bath by two random old ladies. The grannies scrub and coo over her delicate, soft skin and long dirty blonde hair. The formerly filthy girl hadn't even needed to say anything to the Konoha guards. One glance had determined Alex had barely any chakra so she wasn't a threat, while one sniff called for an immediate and thorough bath.

As a towel is wrapped gingerly around her body, the now sparkly clean girl spies three young women gawking at her from behind a room divider. This makes her wonder if a lot of girls here are lesbians due to the high number of men always being offed. She wraps the towel tightly, being sure everything's covered just in case, as she tries to ignore the 3 sets of eyes trained on her form.

She hears a brunette that she doesn't recognize whisper, "exotic."

All of the girls nod in agreement as another begrudgingly admits, "beautiful."

Then a now red faced, boisterous blonde who Alex knows as Ino, barges past the other two girls and shouts, "A THREAT!"

Ino doesn't know who this girl is or why she's even here, but she knew that her tan skin, wide blue eyes, and silky golden hair is different and undeniably attractive. She just couldn't have more rivalry for Sasuke's affections and she knew every man with eyes in the village would be lusting after this new girl. She points her finger accusingly at the intruder and voices her distaste. "Hey you, you don't belong here so don't expect a warm welcome and you better stay the fuck away from _my_ Sasuke-kun."

Alex is about to inform Ino that she has no interest in shemales when the brunette that first spoke, growls possessively at Ino.

"What do you mean _your_ Sasuke-kun?! He's mine bitch!"

"No MINE!" the third girl screeches.

Ino screams in protest and throttles the brunette only to be tackled by the other girl. A cloud of dust, screaming, and clawing nails storms around the room and barrels through the wall. Alex clutches the towel to her body as the entire street now stares at her and the bewildered old crones in the fetal position on the floor.

"You are just such a little doll," the elderly lady squeals as she combs the front of Alex's long hair back into a bun then brushes the back straight down. Though Alex feels bemused and is reminded of her mentally scarring childhood of a mother who was obsessed with beauty pageants and dressing her up, she can't help but smile at her reflection. She looked good. Her pulled back hair shows off her bright blonde highlights yet still sweeps gracefully down her back. Bright red lipstick makes her lips luscious and her teeth appear to be a sparkling shade of white. Plus the eye liner, mascara combo makes her eyes pop in a seductive manner. They didn't have any cover up in her color as most women were pale here, but her complexion is clear and a rosy blush draws attention to her features.

"None of the other pretty girls let us do this," one of the grannies grumbles depressingly. "They're always too busy playing ninja, so unlady like. Back in my day most of the woman stayed home and took care of the kids and their men, but nowadays everyone seems to want to beat each other to a bloody pulp. No grace, no romance, just senseless violence...though some of those ninja men are pretty darn cute."

The other nods her head in agreement. "Especially that Kakashi, he can give my old bones a jump any day, some seed of life might do me good." Both old hags cackle like hens at this, while Alex tries not to look as mortified as she feels. She desperately tries to find her happy place and block the images of flopping sag and dunlaps that old people sex brings to mind. She would never wish that fate on Kakashi or anyone for that matter...well except maybe Hidan. A jack ass like him deserves to be raped by mummy vagina.

"I wonder if Ino and Sakura would look just as beautiful as you if they took a moment in their busy lives to try and be _women_ for a change," the first granny wonders aloud as she fusses over a loose strand of Alex's hair.

The tormented teen's eye twitches as more unpleasant memories of her mother's prissy nature and neighbor gossip resurfaces in her mind. "I'm sure it's just because they're busy training," she defends, not wanting to cause more animosity than she'd already received.

"Pfft," one old lady snorts while the other wrings her hands hopelessly. "They'll never marry at this rate, especially that poor Sakura. Why her forehead takes up more than half her-"

"Ahem," a polite voice coughs. There in the doorway stands an awkward Kakashi, rubbing his head nervously as an enraged Sakura silently fumes beside him.

The grannies greet them as though there isn't a demon version of Sakura's rage looming dangerously over them. But she is quickly forgotten as Alex approaches one of her all time favorite characters. The old crones may have been ignorant to their wrong doing of Sakura, but they could always sense a good match making when it came their way. This was all they had to look forward to as they were well beyond their prime and any hint of a love life or romantic excitement had to be lived through someone a third of their age.

Alex couldn't help but stare at one of her all time favorite characters. His handsome face was framed by his silky grey hair that stood straight up. His one visible eye stares into her soul in an alluring way and his lean muscles bulged under his uniform. Alex wanted more than anything to dry hump him right then and there. Only the presence of the other women stopped her.

Her lustful gaze does not go unnoticed by the old crones who can't pass up an opportunity when it's right in their face.

"Kakashi-san it's been far too long," the elder's voice drips with false innocence like she'd just watched him eat a batch of chocolate roofy chip cookies.

Kakashi seems ignorant to her true intentions for he bows his head respectfully in her direction. "Indeed it has Lady Nanako."

Quicker than an old granny should be able to move, Nanako is by his side in a flash. "This poor young thing is a refugee that just arrived this very morning. Would you be a gentleman and show her around Konoha until the Hokage has time to see her? I worry we bore her and I'm sure she'd feel much safer in the company of such a _strong handsome_ ninja like yourself."

Kakashi rubs his head awkwardly as he is pulled reluctantly to Alex's side and her small hand is thrust gracefully into his own.

Kakashi was one to pride himself on rarely being taken by surprise, but this girl caught him completely off guard. For a civilian she had intense fiery eyes filled with strong desire. The look reminded him of a wild cat about to pounce on it's prey and the matching hunger in her gaze unnerved and excited him. Everything from her sensual delicate appearance to the passion in her eyes seemed brilliantly out of place, but alluring like the light of a flame. Again he was surprised by how drawn he was to her, but something else inside him whispered to be watchful and cautious of this strange girl.

"Hatake Kakashi," he greets politely. Indeed he was going to be keeping this girl close until he could better understand his instincts.

"Alex," she smiles sincerely, trying to hide her obvious fan girl crushing.

Sakura stands mouth agape in both dejection and fury by the door...still unaddressed, unapologised to and ignored. She can't believe the scene unraveling before her eyes, this girl who couldn't be much older than _her_ had her Sensei's complete and utter attention something she'd NEVER seen Kakashi give anyone, even the Hokage. A slight pang of jealousy hits her and before she can snap her Sensei back to his senses, the other old lady pounces.

"Why Sakura! Do come in, come in. It's been so long since you've let me pretty you up, don't you want to look like a lovely lady yourself? Why just give me an hour and I'll have you looking like a gorgeous beauty in no time."

Sakura is unwillingly dragged into another room and sat forcefully in a chair while Nanako cheerfully guides Kakashi and Alex out the door. She hears Sakura's cries of protests and sighs. Oh ninja, they could never truly be ladies.

"Now let's see what we can do about that ungodly forehead of yours."


End file.
